Blix's Log: Temple of the Spider God Pt 2
What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well. Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Okay, where was I? What’s that? This… Meh, just a flesh wound. Let’s see, spiders, hmm… right.

So, we finished wiping out the first group of nuts and pulled our shit together. Steve dressed up as one of the guards to scout ahead and we decided to move out. I have to admit, the rest of this tale will be a little vague and a bit off. I was badly poisoned you see and the adrenalin was wearing off. Consequently, so was my energy and ability to focus. At some point Christine also faded away to parts unknown.

Anyway, we headed upstairs and I’m not exactly sure when or how it started but the fight was back on. Idra and I were mostly separated from the group when we realized it so we started towards the fighting when we ran into a couple priest warriors. We fought and took them out and as we turned two black robed guys came down the stairs from an upper level. They started with the magic. I was able to thwart one of them but the other hit Idra with a shrinking spell. I killed them both but Idra shrank away to nothing.

In the meantime, the team cleared out the second level and we headed up. Upstairs it only got worse. As Steve moved down past a tapestry a huge fucking spider leapt out of it. About the same time, another wizard and some Elric looking mother fucker came at us. We won but it was close and John B was hit with the same shrinking spell. We believe him to be lost as well. Son of a bitch!

As the team searched the chamber on the top level I collapsed into a deep sleep. I had a vision of Idra and of John as they slipped away into another dimension. It seemed so real; yet very surreal. When I awoke, the team was in another room screaming. I was oddly calm and fully refreshed. I looked down and realized that what I had thought was water had actually been some sort of golden fluid. Only a drop left in the goblet but it must have been some sort of healing elixir.

Anyway, the guys came out all chewed up but they had the book and we decided to head out. While I would have liked to help Ugly Stick, it wasn’t in the cards. Poor thing, I just hope she died quickly.

After that, we found our way out and headed to the ruins to give that dude his book. When we got there he helped us across and we gave him his book. That night we decided that he had fucked us by taking two of our artifacts; the ring and the stone. That and he’d basically coerced us into service along with most of his men. We decided it was time for a little payback.

We killed him and a bunch of his people only to find out that he didn’t have our stuff. We may have made a mistake; one that I will have to live with. But, fuck it, he was an asshole, I’ll get over it.

So here we are, in the dessert ruins with no real plan. I guess we’ll head deeper into the desert to find our buried treasure. Or die a dry and hot death trying.

Professor's Log: Lost

“Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them.”
George Eliot

John is gone and likely dead. When we were fighting in the temple, one of the wizards hit him and Idra with a spell that made them shrink down to nothing. I’m holding out some small hope that there might be a chance to get him back, but I know I’m probably kidding myself. Maybe if we went back to the Car Wars world they might still have some of his DNA on file and we could clone him, but it wouldn’t be the same as having him truly back.

Not that it matters, but we recovered the book that Jatesh sent us for. When we caught up with him in the abandoned city on the Styx. I gave him the book, but then I just snapped. He sent us on a suicide mission, and it led directly to the death of one of my closest friends. I was already mad about him stealing Balor’s ring and stone, and so it was the last straw. Steve and I went to his tent and killed him. We also killed a few of his men, but most of the others fled into the desert. I said earlier that this land was turning me into a savage.

Now we are stuck in Stygia with nowhere to go and no way to complete our mission. I’m at a loss.

Steve's Log 57

“Has your life ever been so messed up that you wondered how you would survive another day?”
~Alisa Mullen, Unchosen

My dogs are dead. John is dead, again. This time I fear for good. He was hit by the Shrinking Doom spell and went the way of Yara. With John we lost the Grail. This means we have failed in Merlin’s quest. The dominoes keep falling. With the failure of quest we have failed Sam. Sam, Jasmine, Christine, Betty, Matilda, and Jack are certainly dead. Now you might be wondering how this is possible since we saw Christine not a few nights ago. Well time travel is a fucked up thing and the Christine we ran into was likely an earlier incarnation of her. It would explain why she was such a fucking bitch. So lets sum this all up. I have lost nearly everything I care about. Three friends are all I have left and the Dani and Ming are still with us. I am glad I didn’t have to kill Ming. I guess now I will tell Dani how to break the Gakujin spell and send her home.

The good news is that we got the fraking book of prayers for Jatesh and got it delivered. The Professor accused Jatesh of thievery and we ended up killing the wizard and most of his people. So now our employer is dead too and we are stuck in Stygia. I have been fearful of few things in my life but being stuck in Stygia fills me with a fear that cuts to the bone. I think I might brave the river Styx and say fuck the Crocodiles.

John's Log 55
Hyborian Age 16

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.
Henry David Thoreau

Blix's Log: Temple of the Spider God Pt 1
Victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting. - Napoleon Hill

The past couple days have been madness. I only have a few minutes to talk. I need to crack open the skull of a man who is about to enter this establishment. Whatever part of the tale I don’t finish I will when I settle up with him.

So there we were, outside of the temple. I chose to scout it out and see what our best course of entry was. As I approached the building I began to notice what looked to be spider webs running up the side of the building. When I reached the side of the building, the webs looked to be about the thickness of a pencil. I made sure not to touch them as I did not want to get sticky and more importantly, I didn’t want to alert whatever spun those web of my presence. Upon circling the building I determined that a frontal assault was as good as any other. Fortunately, the door was not barred and entry was easy enough.

As we entered, we noticed two things. One, it was eerily empty and two, the spider motif was profound. Despite wisdom, which we rarely employ, we pressed on. Coming to a set of stairs going up, we decided to start at the top and work our way down. At least that way we wouldn’t have to worry about anyone coming up behind us. We had no idea that it would be so many people that would have done so.

The stairs spilled out into two halls of doors. Opening the first door we encountered soldiers and just like that, the fight was on. Unfortunately, a couple of those other doors also had soldiers and magic-ey priest types who came pouring out. I hit one guy with an arrow, dropping him but realized quickly that a bow was not a good weapon for this fight. Well maybe for Legolas but I’m no magical elf super hero.

I went to draw a spear when that wizard’s bitch whore slit my throat from behind. Thank the deep ones for skin weave; the cut was not that bad. However, it was clearly poisoned. It must have been some sort of neurotoxin because I began to numb up quickly. I reacted on instinct and back kicked her through the air. I heard the distinct sound of sword strikes but I didn’t look back to see who cut into her.

Because just then several more doors opened from down another hall and about a dozen guys poured out. It was like a scene from a kung fu flick. I went after the two guys directly in front of me. One was a soldier and he started barking out orders. The other was one of those priests. He waggled his fingers and turned into a swarm of spiders, which began to crawl all over me, yuck! I just stomped through them at the soldier guy. He was armed with a shield and sword and I hadn’t had a chance to pull a weapon. However, I’m super humanly strong so I just grabbed his shield and threw his ass right out of the window.

A fireball sailed past me and I instinctively stepped into the room that the two guys in front of me had stepped out of. The fireball exploded taking a few guys out and singing the rest. After the flames passed me I stepped back out into the hall. I let out a war cry and I charged the throng of men. Like a scene from the Transporter, I was fighting a half dozen men at once. Block, punch, kick, parry, elbow, knee, block, parry, step, kick, duck, punch. Next thing I knew a half dozen men lay at my feet. Bones broken, ribs crushed, and all unconscious. My fists and knees covered on their blood.

Only two were left; another soldier and a priest. I struck the soldier with a knee to the chest and followed with an elbow to the face. He dropped and I turned to face the priest. He was about to let something nasty lose on me when a knife appeared in his throat. As he fell the beautiful form of Christine came into view.

Just then I noticed two big as shit spiders coming at us. I snatched up a shield and beat the things to death with it. And just like that the fight was over. Just then… Oh crap, you’ll have to excuse me, I have a skull to crack. I’ll finish my tale in a bit. Order us another round would you, this will only be a minute.

Professor’s Log: Step Into My Parlor

“I take my hat off to you — or I would, if I were not afraid of showering you in spiders.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Note to self: When breaking into a temple, never start with the barracks. To be fair, when we first went into the temple of Zath, we didn’t find anybody. There was no one outside, and no one on the first floor. All we saw were a lot of webbing and spider motif decorating. When I say webbing, I mean BIG webbing. An average strand of spider silk is about half the width of a human hair. This stuff was the width of rebar. That didn’t bode well.

Once we made it up to the second level. That’s when the real excitement started. That was the barracks I mentioned earlier. To keep with the arthropod theme, imagine smacking a hornets nest with a big stick and then watching while giant, well-armed wasps swarmed out, magic using wasps to boot. It was, to say the least, intense.

By the time it was over, there were bodies everywhere. Fortunately, they weren’t ours. Pete and I took a couple of hits and got poisoned in the process, but other than that, we were largely intact. The only casualty we had was the slave girl Verena. In the midst of the battle she tried to slit Pete’s throat as retaliation for us killing her former boss. We’ll just count that one as a suicide.

I have to give Steve credit. During the worst of the fight, when we were about to get overrun, he pulled this fireball spell, that toasted a good portion of the enemy. I don’t know where he learned it, but I’m seriously glad he did. I guess I’ll have to stop giving him shit about wanting to learn all that forbidden knowledge, most of it anyway.

Once the main fight was done we found Christina, or she found us. I’m never sure with her. She and Steve almost immediately got into an argument, but that’s kind of par for the course. She claims to have some anti-venom that I’m hoping she’s willing to share with me and Pete.

Now we still have two more floors above us to deal with, and they obviously know we’re here, so they’ll be ready. Oh Boy, the fun just never stops.

Steve's Log 56

“I am not questioning your honor, I am denying its existence.”
~George R.R. Martin

Entering the temple was easier than expected. We decided to head up a set of stairs we found and then all hell broke loose. The battle was fierce as shit and dudes were dropping like rain. When the smoke cleared dozens were dead including several giant ass spiders and we were left standing in the middle of it all. Pete had been poisoned by a blade and the Professor was poisoned by a spider bite. The other thing of interest is that cunt Christine showed up and as usual, started insulting me. Fuck that British cunt and the spell she rode in on.

I had made peace with her acting on her own interests. I had made peace with her stealing from us and lying to us. I thought we had become friends. Then this bitch starts telling me I have no honor. She starts telling me that I didn’t finish her job, a job I might add, that I never agreed to do. I just didn’t say I wouldn’t do it when Pete did agree to it. (I would have done the job because Pete agreed to it but that is beside the point, I never said I would do the job) And on top of that, the reason we never did her stupid lasso job was she decided to take the girls on vacation and we took another job while waiting for her and them to get back. Fuck that stupid cunt. When I pointed that out to her she starts telling me my word is worthless. I know there is something about this place that makes emotions run hotter than normal. I realize that is happening to me now but I don’t care. She wants to question my honor then I will show her what kind of person I really am. The only thing that stopped me was I gave my word not to kill her but the way I feel right now about it all, is fuck it all and fuck anyone who gets in my way.

John's Log 54
Hyborian Age 15

It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.
Walt Disney

Not much to add this entry – we entered the temple of Zath after a brief look-around by Pete, went up the first stairs we found, and immediately found ourselves in a pitched battle. Being us, we of course managed to go directly to the sleeping quarters of the temple guard, who responded – appropriately – with violence. We reacted in kind.

I don’t know how many we killed – guards and priests both, but we took minimal casualties all things considered. Idra took a nasty slash to the mid-section, but I expect she’ll live – she was a pit fighter after all, and I’m sure she’s taken worse wounds. That’s if the weapon wasn’t poisoned, which seems to be a running theme here – which isn’t too surprising given the motif of the region. Pete and John discovered that the hard way; those two have most definitely been poisoned, Pete with some sort of paralytic and John with the general screw-you-up variety of venom. Ming and I got nailed by some kind of spell, but I don’t know how it’s affected us yet, if at all – but I’m not crossing any fingers on that front. Dani survived without a scratch, but that’s because I spent a lot of the fight watching out for her. Ming was a whirlwind of slashing blades, and I saw her cut down our newest companion Verena, who I found out later had tried to cut Pete’s throat from behind. Steve was wielding axe and shield as usual, but he also managed some kind of fire spell that seared my eyebrows, as well as injuring at least a dozen of the enemy.

Exhilarating as that was, we still have a lot to search through, and at this point I expect we’ll have even more resistance than we anticipated. Should be fun.

Also, at some point Christine made an appearance – something about looking for a ‘Pope’s Ring’ that has something to do with a prophecy about doom (has there ever been a joyful prophecy, I wonder?). Steve’s got the ring she’s looking for, but of course he doesn’t trust her, so as usual those two are at each other’s throat; this time I expect it to lead to bloodshed. As long as they leave me out of it, I don’t care – I’m tired of all this prophecy crap with the doom and gloom outcomes. I just want to get back to traveling to different places and having a good time… I swear, when I’m done with all this shit, that’s exactly what I’m gonna start doing, and if someone tries to interrupt my downtime I’m gonna end them prematurely.

Blix's Log
"Don't hunt for death, boy. It all finds us soon enough." ~Darkwolf

Ah, I love this place; Hyboria is such a manly fucking place to live. I know the last time I was here I got so burned out on killing people that I went into full on hippie mode. This time though it’s different. Maybe I’m becoming the psychopath I feared to become. Perhaps I’m seeing life the way it should be. Maybe all those goody good rules we were raised to live by were indeed to keep us in line. Whatever, I feel alive now and I’m ready to live to the fullest.

We now travel in the land of the evil and vile; spider country. I have contempt for the people of this land and I have little qualm shedding the blood of any of its foul denizens. Spider loving freaks, the lot of them. Steel is the answer to any problem I have here.

We made our way to the city of Yezud. This place was filled with a bunch of primitive religious yahoos celebrating the ‘Feast of All Gods’. I’ll tell you what you can worship, my feast of steel bitch. Sorry, I write this after a fuck fest of athletic proportions. I’m full of endorphins, hate, lust, rage, and all around testosterone driven madness. I am drunk with my manhood and I am ready to split skulls, slay spiders loving freaks, and take gold by the heap.

While staying at an inn we discovered that my former slave/trainer was being held captive in the square behind our room. Idra was a good friend and teacher for me. Any man who wishes to hold her captive is going to have to ask me for permission first; else they can have a taste of my wraith.

I recruited Iron John to help me free her. Steve was willing to help but only if we waited for some wizard to show up. He coincidently was the one holding Idra and wanted Steve to execute her in some primitive ritual. I wasn’t up for waiting so John and I made our move. John went into the square to get up close. I started pelting them arrows and dropped two of them before they could do anything. We had it firmly under control when some other assholes showed up. These cats were much more capable and actually put up a real fight. One of them even hit me with an arrow. The thing bit pretty good and wouldn’t have been much of a concern except it was poisoned and barbed. I’ll be okay though.

Morning came and we awaited the return of Steve’s wizard. He came in the room and we displaced him promptly. Steve and John M, went through his stuff and got some oogy boogy stuff. I took his hot slave woman for myself. Well, actually she submitted to me. Not sure which is cooler but either way my cock is one happy mother. I now have two lovelies from opposite extremes to pleasure me; one hard and rough and one soft submissive. I almost felt bad for her as Idra and I about gang raped her but her moans of pleasure were far too great for it to be rape of any kind because trust me, I about bathed in her cum.

We now travel to recover some book. I know not what horror awaits us but I’m sure pain & horror, glory and riches await us. That and blood and death all the way. Huzzah!

Professor’s Log: Savage Land

“The more I see of what you call civilization, the more highly I think of what you call savagery!”
― Robert E. Howard, King Kull

The savagery of this place must be getting to me, because the longer I’m here, the more savage I become. I think it’s happening to all of us. That’s worrisome.

We made it to Yezud. They were having some sort of festival called the Feast of All Gods. The city was packed with partiers and pilgrims. While there, we ran into our friend Idra. She was being held captive by one of the local wizards who was planning to execute her. We couldn’t let that happen, so Pete, John and I made plans to save her. Unbeknownst to us, Steve had taken the job of executing her. Awkward.

We managed to save her while Steve did his best to not get involved. The next day, we disposed of the wizard. All this involved me killing several men, most of whom probably deserved it, but you see what I mean by savagery.

At some point along the way, John met a woman named Dani. It turns out that she’s another inter-world traveler like us. There seem to be a lot more of us than I thought. She was brought here by some guy named Dolph. He effectively dumped her and there seems to be no love lost between them. Dani told us that he was headed to the Isle of the Black Ones. That sounds suspiciously like the Black Ones mentioned in Merlin’s poem. Perhaps Dolph is part of this whole thing. Even if he’s not, it seems worth following up on.

The book we’re supposed to be looking for is likely to be in a temple on the other side of a chasm from the main city. The only way there is a single bridge, and no one but nobles and priests are allowed to cross it. We were neither, but we decided to brazen our way across, and amazingly, it worked. Now we’re outside, and ready to go in. I’m hoping getting out is just as easy, but I’m not optimistic.


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