“I believe… whatever doesn’t kill you simply makes you…stranger.”
Christine is a strange bird. I can tell that she is interested yet she continuously holds me at arm’s length. We’ll hook up and have some fun and then she disappears for weeks. When she returns, she’s as warm as can be. However, if I get too close she retreats. And of course, when she needs me for something, she’s all sorts of chummy. Reminds me of a cat now that I think about it.
Where is this going you may wonder… Fear not, for I have a tale and it will intrigue you for I have found a great dimension for us all.
We arrived in the great City of Metropolis on a balcony of a high rise directly across from the Daily Planet. Christine had managed to obtain an apartment in the city and had set up an observation post on the balcony. As you may have guessed, she’s not much of a nerd and knows very little about superhero lore. She needed me as a consultant. She was in search of the lasso of truth and I was to be her subject matter expert (SME as in military terms). I had told her that it was a tool of the superhero Wonder Woman. She had heard of Wonder Woman before but knew nothing about her, what her capabilities were, or who else we’d have to encounter in this world.
I explained to her that Wonder Woman is not someone you just take stuff from. That she is an extremely powerful person; one I did not look forward to crossing. And that doesn’t even remotely count her friends. I told her that if she didn’t have one hell of a plan, we’d end up beaten and probably arrested. She just smiled, told me I was cute, and told me not to worry about it; that she had it covered.
The only person she really knew anything about was Superman. She knew he was Clark Kent, he worked at the Daily Planet, and he was friends with Wonder Woman. She even showed me a little green rock that she got from Asmode in Club Inferno. Clever girl.
She had managed to secure a bunch of supplies and a pair of invites to Luther Corps charity ball. Anyone who was anyone in Metropolis would be there as would the press. That meant Mr. Kent was likely to show and with the internet being what it is, we knew exactly what he looked like.
Skipping past all of the boring parts…
We met Mr. Kent and Christine managed to slip a small tracer on him which led us to his apartment. I was terrified that all of his super crap would find said bug or at least hear us following him and get us caught. However, he was very intoxicated and had a young woman helping him home. I thought this some sort of rouse but as it turns out, this was to be a very different DC than you and I would recognize.
The next day after the bimbo did the walk of shame and Clark left for work, Christine and I went in. Christine used some sort of high tech scanner to find a secret panel in his wall. Using my sonic screwdriver, Christine showed me what to do to activate it. Under her direction, I was then able to open the door.
Inside lay everything we needed. Mr. Kent had a massive computer system (all Wayne Tech of course). This was way off the nerd map for me. It turns out that the Fortress of Solitude is in Mr. Kent’s condo. Anyway, we were able to find the frequencies and codes for most of the Legion; including one Diana Prince. He even had her home address.
We bugged out and left everything as we came in. Christine was good like that. We went back to the condo and celebrated with a little booze and some much needed shagerry.
The next morning we got down to business. Apparently, the Hall of Justice is actually a chain and there is one in every major city. The one located in Metropolis is run by Wonder Woman and Superman and has several younger members, several of which I’ve never heard of. This probably has to do with the fact that superpowers here are way more in line with reality than they are in the comics and movies. Supermen does not actually fly here. He flies in the”super jet” with the rest of the team.
We found Diana’s house and scouted out. She runs her own layer firm a couple blocks down the road and seems to walk to work most days. We waited for her to leave and headed in. Again, Christine bypassed all of “Wayne’s security” and in we went. It didn’t take long with her scanner and my sonic screwdriver to find her secret basement headquarters which was much like Kent’s. It housed her super toys and costumes, a small workshop, crime lab, and filing system. We didn’t care about any of that stuff, all we wanted was the lasso. We found 20 and none of them matched the description. These were more of a smart cable with an electric power source. It was basically made to ensnare a victim and shock them into submission. It would seem that truth was given at the threat of pain. “Talk mother fucker or I’ll zap your ass again!” How do I know that you might ask…
Disappointed, we headed out. This was not the Lasso of Truth. Christine knew the real one was made of rope and had some sort of mystical properties. We must’ve been in the wrong version of DC. As we came out of the basement we realized that Wayne Tech is actually better than Christine thought. Before us stood The Man of Steel and Princess Diana. Oh shit.
Christine went into action before I could even begin to try to talk out way out. She told me to take out the bitch, reached into her pocket, and charged Superman.
Diana looked at me and just smiled. I rushed her and came in with a left jab. I don’t think she was expecting me to be so fast because I connected before she could get her block up. I also don’t think she realized how strong I was because I also dazed her ass and followed through with a kick to the midsection. She actually sailed out of the window. “Hah! Take that Wonder Bitch” I yelled. Yelled because I was in shock and terrified all at once.
Christine pulled her hand out and went for a left cross on Superman. The cocky fuck just let her hit him. I guess he figured that a skinny little woman couldn’t possibly hurt him and he was right. Normally, Christine would have probably have broken her hand on his face. However, the kryptonite rock she clutched drove her fist home. Supermen went down like a sack of bricks. She actually put him out. She knocked Superman out with one punch.
I quickly drew my bow and notched an arrow. Christine asked where the “Wonder Cunt” went and I pointed my arrow at the broken window. Just then she flew in through the opening and landed just 10 feet from me. I fired and she actually deflected the arrow with those damn arm bands. She then whipped out her rope. It flew like a living snake and wrapped around me. That’s when I got the first hit of juice. It lit me up like a Christmas tree. Damn that hurt.
Christine drew a pistol and fired. Diana defected her shot and blasted me again. Christine opened up. Blam, blam, blam, blam… Diana had to let go of the rope to block all of the incoming. I drew another arrow and fired. She blocked it again but this time I had used one of my sticky arrows. Ain’t I a stinker?
With Superman out and Wonder Woman fighting to get free, Christine grabbed me, squeezed the matrix and poof, we were gone.